OMD EM5 Mark II. New toy, once hooked never cured.

It has been a while, a decade has passed since I first started this blog. There's a lot to say, a lot to convey but I am wary of opening up to scrutiny. Perhaps.....

Playing with light - OMD EM5

Old habits die hard....never did actually. Years ago I abandoned my DSLR, skipped photography for a bit, used point and shoots for a while and suddenly the itchiness came back. Caused by a glimpse on Flipboard of the OMD EM5. Taken by its size, technology and retro looks I got one as a birthday gift to myself (just to justify the spending... :-p). Its feels good and I do still enjoy making pictures.

Reading http://robinwong.blogspot.com/ provides inspiration and reminder on forgotten skills and the joy of capturing a moment in time. The clincher for this pretty little piece of equipment is its weather sealing characteristics. No more hiding from the rain. Its going on my bike rides and walks by the beach. No bag necessary. It can take the mud, lashings of rain and the wet monsoon season.

At the end of the day, reviewing those shots became a form of therapy. However, photography as an endeavor has a serious consequence for me as I am prone to GAS, not the smelly kind - gear acquisition syndrome. This has reared its ugly head - the OMD EM1 is now in the Malaysian market....

2013 - 1965 = 48 not 49 !!!

The messages starts coming in at about midnight and continues up to now. All the wishes, much appreciated yet it forms a reminder of something that I would rather not remember. Its my birthday (again.. ;-p) of which I thought would be my 49th - blame it on the Mrs. for misleading me through pointers that I am older than she is. Alas, the calculator confirms that it is my 48th year after all. Hmmm another 2 years before I can go see EPF then...

The initial response to this event is quite depressing but looking back and taking stock, I realize that I have a lot to be thankful for. Blessed for having much of those things that made life worth living. Thank you all, for the wishes and for being within my circles. May you all be as; if not more blessed than I am, Insya Allah....

Regretting the time that I thought we still have....

I was just about to have lunch before heading back to KL when the sms came. All the way from Labuan that a dear friend has passed away early that morning in Muar. I barely ate, the small portion of chicken rice seems huge, roast chicken doused in soy sauce left untouched. It all tasted as bland as the slivers of iceberg lettuce that came with it. Inability to digest the news and the anxiety for more explicit details gnaws at my insides. There were so many numbers to reach yet none provided answers.

Arwah Muhammad Yusuf Bin Ibrahim, my best friend whom I love dearly since we first met at the academy. We were a close knit bunch but he was always special. More a brother to me. We shared a lot, we crossed boundaries, we came back. Reminiscing, the first ship that we were both on was the beginning of the end. We drfited apart soon after signing off that Bunga Tanjung some twenty or so years ago. Our lives took different paths. We were ensconced in our own little world. Yet, those that grew up with me were always on my mind especially Usop aka Dolly.

I always thought that one of these days we will meet at our kids wedding or some such. Perhaps even look each other up once we retire, as was oft discussed in the midst of our career. On the rare occasion that we manage to catch up. That was the agenda.

Alas, that was not meant to be. Arwah succumb to sudden heart attack. Innalillah....

Now, on the eve of Aidiladha, the tears are welling up as the takbir is recited. How fickle it all seems, there's only so much time for each of us, my mistake was assuming that it will last forever.

Semoga arwah dicucuri rahmat dan ditempatkan bersama orang yang beriman. Al Fatihah....

Forgive me for I have sinned....

It has been a while and sinned we surely have. Sparked by a query on why I have not been writing leads me to ask the same of myself. Thus as I glide through the clear water, the only sound is air escaping from the regulator, so does my thoughts purging itself floating towards the light above. Trying to gather itself into a coherent and sensible line of normalcy. Therein lies the flaw, coherent maybe, sensible perhaps, normalcy questionable.

Some days I feel tired....

What do I say ? What do you want me to say ? Perhaps I have said what needed to be said. It is true that history repeats itself for I am now at that all too familiar junction. Exploring the choices on how and where to spend my remaining days. As any atom in existence, motion is a necessity. Being motionless will mean to perish. That motion for me is held in check by my students. It is the only thing that is holding me back for now. How did it come to this ?

Approaching Closure

Clearing out my parents home .... Almost five decades ago we pose for that picture....

Labels...

Of late, I have been labelled with words that some time back would not make sense nor be associated with. Some positive, some negative yet some which made me think and evaluate what I have done and the things that has been done to me.

From pathetic to so full of myself to the choices that I have to make. Continuously being scrutinized and judged. That's human nature I suppose. Have I changed ? Do I need to change ? I don't think so, not at this juncture. Too late for that. But it does made me more appreciative of the fact that somehow we impact others as we go through, just as others have an impact on us. In the end, we have to be answerable to what we did or did not do. No excuses. As for me, no regrets no matter how hard and painful it could sometimes be. Nothing lasts forever, be it pain or sweetness. Just remember who we are and why we exists....

Watery bliss...

Read this somewhere -
There's a reason why good people suffer. They don't safeguard themselves against those whose nature is to harm and destroy. If you kiss a scorpion, it will sting you. If you hug a grizzly bear, it will crush you. If you offer to make friends with the alligator, it will eat you.

People are more difficult to recognize, yes. But they do give away their nature by their actions. Words can be decieving. We need to tune our judgement to what people "Do" and not what they "Say."

Words that are so true yet I just am not able to heed its wisdom. Personally, my weakness for grizzlies leads me to be continually at risk. Just like the sea, knowing its threat and danger does not deter from being near it, in it. Take it away, I will miss it.

Out of water...

Its not easy succumbing to defeat. Like fish out of water, realising and admitting that it will drown in air are two different emotions.

There comes a time when you are no longer required. Your presence becomes a burden, your offerings merely annoyances. To be acknowledged but not accepted. Perhaps.....

If you have ever lost anything, no matter how valuable it is to you, no matter how you thought that you could not go on without it. You will. It won't be pleasant but you will move on, if you let yourself out of that rut. Based on that, we had our chances which sometimes we did not see. Too late.

Status Update

Soon enough the title of this blog will need to be changed to turn 50. Time brings a lot of change. Quite a few have told me such. I have done things that I have never or do not like doing. A dear friend whom I always considered as an equivalent was assumed to be either my son or son-in-law. My appearance have changed, my outlook and my behavior have changed though some more subtle than others.

I am now more expressive of my feelings, needing more attention and reassurance to the point that my dear wife is overwhelmed, I think. Yet she continues humoring my whims and fancies. At the same time, old and new characters coming within the circle continues to pull me in various directions. I begin to understand that passion, love, longing and all matters of the heart tend to multiply if added. There are no subtraction nor division. It seems to just grow, however, juggling is another matter. A skill that requires development to a fine art.

Physically, I am more active and need to be constantly on the move. Be it cycling, swimming or running. A few days of sedentary inactivity will lead to lethargic and mood swings. It feels great when I stay in the lead to those half my age, but then my motivation was something that they did not have. They were moving on youth and energy, I was moving on something else.

All said and done, statistically I have about 17 years left. I intend to give all that I could, because only so much that I could take with me when I leave. To those around me, to those who knew me and could accept me as I am. Use these remaining years that you have with me. I was given 13 years with my dear father-in-law. A man that I miss. Now its my turn to give, unless if I go earlier.... I say this because I love all of you, something that in me is intense and passionate that sometimes it hurts.

And that's me, getting seasick on a recent diving expedition. The first time I posted a picture of myself in this blog. I used to hate looking at pictures of myself, not anymore... Another change ?

Hmmm... ponderings...

One of my recent favorite things, an orchestra of giant umbrellas. Transform. An amazing feat of engineering and technology linked to religion and spirituality. Alhamdulillah, I was blessed to have the opportunity to spend the first third of Ramadan in the holy land, the first day in Madinah and the rest in Mekah. The second half in Kuala Terengganu, a place which now seems to be for solitude, work and play. The final part was spent at home with my kids and family. Which led to a most unusual raya for me. That's another story.

As I sit here waiting for the next event to loom, my thoughts keep going back to recent events. Trying to recall and analyze. Time seems to have flown, it has actually....

The irony of it all. In the midst of many I feel alone and neglected. Not one but three yet none is here. Fancy being a loner yet suddenly can't stand being in solitude. That which should be sweet left a lingering bitterness. Do not question why, do not attempt understanding, just let be.

Am beginning to hate the notification sound from the SGSII because inevitably the message I was hoping for did not come in. Practicality and sensibility has gone. Patience morphed into anger and very soon sadness. There are just so much that can be done. Much more that can't, therein lies the poison in the arrow. Totally dislike not being in control. Dear God, renew my strength, patience and wisdom, please.

Sabar menanti...

Tetiba terasa biru (suddenly I am feeling blue... )

Tak sabar rasanya untuk datang bertamu
Berteleku sujud memohon rahmatmu
Ingin mengadu dan merayu
Berkasih dan bermanja pada yang satu

Hanya kau yang tak pernah mengecewakan
Izinkan aku mengubat rindu
Hanya kau yang tak pernah menyakitkan
Izinkan aku melepas dendam

It never ends..

It never ends does it ? The journey of deja-vu. Feels like, no, I know that I have been here before. Was tripped by the pothole before, yet here I am going through it and getting tripped by the same pothole again.

I always thought that with every journey, lessons are learnt, experiences gained and then we were supposed to move on to new journeys and new experiences. Yet the cycle keep repeating itself. Is it supposed to be this way ?

There once was a man whose gift is of understanding, able to understand and able to see what others fail to see. At first it was a gift then it turned to a curse. Because though he could understand he could never be either or. His understanding and his sight refused to let him choose, leaving him alone on the fence, only able to see but not be...

Have you ever felt that your investment does not yield the desired return ? Do you pull out or stay and hope that the tide will change ? Getting tired of efforts that does not provide reciprocal results. Perhaps I am just a bad investor...

Gotta go and cycle now.... ;-)

Pagi suram

Ya Allah,
Dipagi yang suram ini
Tatkala bayu lembutmu menjatuhkan sekeping daun kering dibahu kananku
Tersentuh hati mengenang segala anugerahmu
Kesal rasa kerana tak cukup mensyukuri segala nikmatmu

Ampunkan aku Ya Allah kerana lalai dengan apa yang tidak ada
Asyik gundah memikirkan kekurangan dan ketidakcukupan
Sedang segala yang kau pinjamkan dan begitu banyak yang kau berikan
Apa dipinta semua kau kabulkan

Ampunkanlah aku Ya Allah
Ampunkanlah aku Ya Allah
Ampunkanlah aku Ya Allah

Before my eyes...

Scenes that greet me every morning. Am so thankful to be blessed.

On the trail

NT

You were a friend of mine...

Alan Parsons Project...

As far as my eyes can see

There are shadows approaching me

And to those I left behind

I wanted you to know

You’ve always shared my deepest thoughts

You follow where I go


And oh when I’m old and wise

Bitter words mean little to me

Autumn winds will blow right through me

And someday in the mist of time

When they asked me if I knew you

I’d smile and say you were a friend of mine

And the sadness would be lifted from my eyes

Oh when I’m old and wise....


Since yesterday when I heard the news from Blur who came back from half a world away, I am disturbed. The sadness and pain that I felt is incomparable to what Quzul is going through now. Multiple Sclerosis has taken away his faculties. Bed ridden and has just lost his sight. When I called him last night, he was asleep. His wife answered the phone and entertained my queries. God gave her strength.

This morning Quzul himself called me. His voice though week still bore traces of the mischievousness that we shared. I did not know what to say. How I wish I was by his side and could physically touch him. I am at loss for words. What comfort could I offer ? We learned to live together, we grew up and took different paths. Time and tide separated us as we followed our destiny. We heard about each other through the tongues of others.

I regretted not making the effort to seek him out all these years. But then, to all those who knew me, even if I did not call, text or write does not mean that I have let you go. I am merely letting you get on with your lives. I do not want to impose on you as our paths diverge. As long as I am still breathing, I will be here for you if and when you needed me.

Semoga Allah mempermudahkan dan memberi kekuatan dan ketenangan kepada Quzul dan keluarganya.

Doing the necessary...

Captured on a recent camping trip to Pulau Perhentian Besar. Soothes the soul to see the young abide to the needs of their soul. Am proud to claim them as my kids...

Spinning...

NT - when you say too much ...

ZX1 Dramatic Tones

NT