Regretting the time that I thought we still have....

I was just about to have lunch before heading back to KL when the sms came. All the way from Labuan that a dear friend has passed away early that morning in Muar. I barely ate, the small portion of chicken rice seems huge, roast chicken doused in soy sauce left untouched. It all tasted as bland as the slivers of iceberg lettuce that came with it. Inability to digest the news and the anxiety for more explicit details gnaws at my insides. There were so many numbers to reach yet none provided answers.

Arwah Muhammad Yusuf Bin Ibrahim, my best friend whom I love dearly since we first met at the academy. We were a close knit bunch but he was always special. More a brother to me. We shared a lot, we crossed boundaries, we came back. Reminiscing, the first ship that we were both on was the beginning of the end. We drfited apart soon after signing off that Bunga Tanjung some twenty or so years ago. Our lives took different paths. We were ensconced in our own little world. Yet, those that grew up with me were always on my mind especially Usop aka Dolly.

I always thought that one of these days we will meet at our kids wedding or some such. Perhaps even look each other up once we retire, as was oft discussed in the midst of our career. On the rare occasion that we manage to catch up. That was the agenda.

Alas, that was not meant to be. Arwah succumb to sudden heart attack. Innalillah....

Now, on the eve of Aidiladha, the tears are welling up as the takbir is recited. How fickle it all seems, there's only so much time for each of us, my mistake was assuming that it will last forever.

Semoga arwah dicucuri rahmat dan ditempatkan bersama orang yang beriman. Al Fatihah....

You were a friend of mine...

Alan Parsons Project...

As far as my eyes can see

There are shadows approaching me

And to those I left behind

I wanted you to know

You’ve always shared my deepest thoughts

You follow where I go


And oh when I’m old and wise

Bitter words mean little to me

Autumn winds will blow right through me

And someday in the mist of time

When they asked me if I knew you

I’d smile and say you were a friend of mine

And the sadness would be lifted from my eyes

Oh when I’m old and wise....


Since yesterday when I heard the news from Blur who came back from half a world away, I am disturbed. The sadness and pain that I felt is incomparable to what Quzul is going through now. Multiple Sclerosis has taken away his faculties. Bed ridden and has just lost his sight. When I called him last night, he was asleep. His wife answered the phone and entertained my queries. God gave her strength.

This morning Quzul himself called me. His voice though week still bore traces of the mischievousness that we shared. I did not know what to say. How I wish I was by his side and could physically touch him. I am at loss for words. What comfort could I offer ? We learned to live together, we grew up and took different paths. Time and tide separated us as we followed our destiny. We heard about each other through the tongues of others.

I regretted not making the effort to seek him out all these years. But then, to all those who knew me, even if I did not call, text or write does not mean that I have let you go. I am merely letting you get on with your lives. I do not want to impose on you as our paths diverge. As long as I am still breathing, I will be here for you if and when you needed me.

Semoga Allah mempermudahkan dan memberi kekuatan dan ketenangan kepada Quzul dan keluarganya.

Den, aku ingat kat hangpa... II

Durian bukit, fresh from the tree. In Den's hometown...

Al Fatihah...

Even after a long grueling off road ride sleep did not come easily as it should. It came in fits, tossing and turning. At 0315hrs. the Nokia sang its tune. My heart sank. Calls in the wee hours is never good.

My wife informed me that a dear uncle passed away a couple hours ago after more than a month fighting cancer. Innalillah... semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat dan dia ditempatkan dengan orang-orang yang soleh. May he be blessed. Takziah to Zeti & Mak Cik sekeluarga. Semoga tabah dan redha.

Den, aku ingat kat hangpa...

NT.

Turtles feel good

Incubated and hatched under watch. Sadly, because of that chances are high that they will be all females as they require fluctuations in temperatures and ambient atmosphere for males to develop. Perhaps Abe Nizam can help be the male of the species heh heh

Good luck guys err gals, may the force be with you and lead you to safety...

Friends

I received this in my inbox this morning:

Hmmm, it was nice but a bit naive. Because it is always a "friend" i.e. those that are close to you that are bound to hurt you and stab you in the back. No one is ever stabbed in the back by a stranger is it ?

Anyway, good day to you too Macha and I hope all your friends remain true friends. And remember, if you are ever hurt by any one of them, its not personal. Its just like swimming in the sea. Its fun and feels good but you may drown or be stung by its creatures. Take care.

Selamat Hari Raya

Some of the text messages that I received (only 2 cards this year but numerous sms's), thank you. Greetings to you too.

Selamat hari raya, capt.

Walau langkah xbertemu,
Tangan xberjabat,
Ucap xterdengar,
Mata xbertatap,
Tapi inginkan hati memohon maaf zahir & batin...
Selamat m'yambut hari raya aidilfitri.

SALAM. DIKESEMPATAN INI SAYA & SEISI KELUARGA SAYA INGIN MENGUCAPKAN SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFITRI. MOHON KEMAAFAN ZAHIR & BATIN JIKA TERSALAH/TERLANJUR KELAKUAN & BAHASA. MOGA AIDILFITRI KALI INI AKAN MEMBAWA KEBERKATAN KEPADA KITA SEMUA. INSHAALLAH...

Bergurau x selalu tapi mesra.
Kasih x dalam tapi kekal.
Senyum x manis tapi ikhlas.
Hati x cinta tapi rindu.
SMS x kerap tapi ingat.
Salam kemaafan Aidil Fitri.

Tutup sudah tirai Ramadhan, terbuka pula sinar Syawal, luhur iman ikhlas amalan, moga ibadat diberkati Allah... Salam Eidul-Fitri Maaf Zahir dan Batin.

Slmt hari raye smua. maf zhr btin. jgn lupa bw kueh raye utk sya nti.

Salam,
Tiada kata seindah zikir,
Tiada ibadah seindah puasa,
Tiada bulan seindah Ramadhan,
Selamat Hari Raya,
MAAF ZAHIR & BATIN.

Secebis kasih membuatkan kita sayang.
Seucap janji membuatkan kita percaya.
Sekecil luka membuatkan kita kecewa.
Tetapi sebuah persahabatan selamanya bermakna.
Maaf zahir & batin... selamat menyambut hari raya aidil fitri.

Askm. Semoga ibadah puasa diberkati Allah dan dipanjangkan umur agar bertemu kembali Ramadan berikutnya. Salam Aidilfitri, maaf zahir batin.

Masak pulut buat tapai,
Beli beras buat lemang,
Hantar kad raya lambat sampai,
Hantar sms lagi senang...
SELAMAT HARI RAYA MAAF ZAHIR & BATIN.

Dlm kerendahan hati ada ketinggian budi,
Dlm kemiskinan harta ada kekayaan jiwa,
Dlm gurau senda ada silap & dosa,
Dgn kehadiran SYAWAL.. kesempatan ini... ampun maaf ku pinta SEIKHLASNYA...

Eid Mubarak bermula nye esok - kesempatan ini saya mohon maaf selama kita berkawan & bekerja dimana terkasar bahasa dan sebagai nye "SELAMAT HARI RAYA".

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri Maaf Zahir Batin. Dengan Ingatan Tulus Ikhlas dari kami.

Andai jari x dapat bersentuh,
Tangan x dapat bersalam,
Hendaknya batin kita tetap bertaut,
Minal aidin wal faizin,
Mohon maaf lahir dan batin.

Ya Allah sempena akhir Ramadhan ini kau kurniakan saudaraku ini dan keluarganya keberkatan, rahmat serta keampunanmu. Letakkan mereka bersama ahli-ahli syurgamu. Ketemukan mereka dgn Ramadhan tahun hadapan dlm keimanan dan ketakwaan Mu...
Amin. Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri & Maaf Zahir dan Batin.

Selamat menyambut & meraikan kedatangan Syawal. Moga Syawal ini akan menghadirkan limpahan rahmat dan seribu kegembiraan buat Tuan & keluarga. Pohon ribuan kemaafan diatas segala kesilapan, kekurangan & kekhilafan kami sekeluarga.

I met Iman, Taqwa, Patience, Peace, Joy, Love, Health & Wealth today,
They need a permanent place to stay, I gave them your address,
Hope they arrived safely to celebrate Idul Fitri with U, may Allah bless U and ur family.
Selamat Hari raya Aidil Fitri, Maaf Zahir & Batin.

Salam Idulfitri,
Jauh ddokekkan, dh dokek dhimpunkan,
dkampung nan sesudut, kok kocik 2lah kok bosa 2lh,
kok koghuh samo dijoghonihkan,
kok tobolit samo dilopehkan,
kok tobuku kito pocahkan,
jgn sojuk dlua paneh ddlm,
suko samo ghiang,
sodih samo menangih,
Lebaran mengiratkan sil...rahim.
Ikhlas dari kami.

Saya sekeluarga dengan serendah hati mengucapkan Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri untuk saudara sekeluarga. Jemput datang hari raya pertama @ kedua.

Selamat hari raya. Maaf zahir & batin. Semoga aidil fitri membawa penuh keberkatan buat sdr sekeluarga.

Salam lebaran untuk semuanya... Keampunan dan kemaafan dipinta, atas semua kesalanku... (~_~) SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDULFITRI.

Al-Fatihah for Capt. Usop

Received a call from Dato' J yesterday. It's been a long time since he got in touch. It was a pleasant surprise when I saw his name flashing on my phone. Hmm, maybe a job offer or new business proposal ? Sadly, the news was the opposite.

Capt. Yusof Ahmad passed away in his sleep in the morning and that he will be laid to rest in Ampangan. That's all he could gather and he asks if I know of the specific location. I do not. Innalillah hi wa innalillah hirrajiun. May Allah have mercy on him.

He will be missed, for to me he is one of those who's honesty and no nonsense ways I value and appreciate.

Al-Fatihah for Adi

Tuesday, 16 June 2009, 1605 hrs. My youngest and only brother exhaled his last breath in Hospital Kajang. He is 31 and left behind an ex-wife and a daughter. May Allah have mercy and bless him.

I always thought that he may be the one to carry me to my final resting place yet I carried him instead.

Moody skies

Its one of those cold wet mornings. Tons to do but the mood is just not there. Browse through the pictures folder and found these which reminded me of a dear friend. A peculiar artistic soul who has a certain predilection toward jet streams in the sky. He'll just stop, stare and says " I just love those things, reminds me of freedom..." with a contented look on his face.

As for me, being on a beach would be nice....

Cherating

I was here decades ago with a close buddy of mine. A stopover after a gruelling tour of Phuket and Haadyai. Those were the times. Recently, an opportunity presented itself which brought me back. I thought a chalet will cost about RM30/40 but one with air conditioning now cost RM80. Basic and was not very well maintained.

The beach is still the same though not as pristine as I remembered it. A bit more debris strewn about. Though the most disturbing is the presence of dogs. I have nothing against dogs or any other animals for that matter, but when they roam around everywhere its a bit disconcerting. Especially those moving in packs.


Quaint scene in the morning of local fisherman tending to their nets.

Amazingly, the place seems to have an active surfer community. All in all it was a pleasant stay but unlike decades ago, I don't think I would rush there again anytime soon.

Flocking together

Had a pleasant surprise yesterday when the person we were supposed to meet turns out to be a long lost friend from the sea. Small world. Though he did at first mistook me for a chief cook with the same name. Yeah, just because I gained a few kilos and a more rounded middle. We had a good laugh. The good vibes from the short encounter lingers and led my mind to ponder recent events and how it relates to the meaning of friendship for me...

Lets begin with the title of this post. Its extracted from the saying "birds of a feather flock together" in Malay "enggang sama enggang pipit sama pipit". I use to abhor that statement as I have always believed that humans are created equal. Even in the sailing days I resent the fact that the crew and officers were restricted in their daily routines due to their ranks. Each with their own designated place for eating and recreation. Overly familiar relationship will be admonished and looked upon with disdain. Only now, as I approached the final phase of my life did I begin to understand and appreciate what that saying really meant.

It is true that all humans are equal and all have the same rights and obligations. It is only when we inadvertently go to the next level in human relations that the saying will apply. Being close only to those with feathers such as yours is a good way to avoid making relational mistakes and thus avoid getting hurt. Most crisis between humans are caused by misunderstandings and assumptions. This could be greatly be minimised if both parties have the same understanding and values. Therefore, logically since the same feathers have the same understanding and values, chances of a crisis is reduced. Bear in mind that same feathers does not mean race or religion, more to do with educational background, social hierarchy and of course common interest.

Why am I ranting about this ? To be honest, I made a mistake in mistaking a friend who in reality is only a work colleague. We worked together for the past decade. One superior with the other being the opposite from different departments. As opportunities arose both left and worked together in a new set up albeit in the same category with better remunerations. It was only when tragedy strikes that the real colour of the feather shines through. I was a bit thick I suppose as it was only after a few incidents that I realise it was only me assuming that he was a friend when in all probability he was acting only as a colleague.

My mistake was that I took it for granted that others will treat me as I would treat them. I will go all out for my friends as I expected them to do for me except in this case, only now I realise things were done for me not on the basis of friendship but taken as orders. His inability to say no to a superior even if back then the request for help is out of the scope of work. It felt bad as I question the sincerity of our relationship for the past decade. That said, we all need to learn, no matter how long it takes and move on.

Found and Lost

Seven days has passed since Ayah (my father in law) is gone. There has been quite a few tribute for him over the net by cousins and relatives. Aji's has been the most touching - its the only one I manage to read anyway. His writing in part inspired me to write about my perspective, my story with Ayah.

For me his journey began on Friday right after Friday prayers. It was the day I took delivery of a new toy that I have been wanting since I was a kid. A convertible, black with red leather trim. He is the only person who knew that the car was coming and has been anxiously waiting to feel and touch the car. He is blind, yet his love for cars never wanes. To him a car is not just a mode of transport but also a means to affirm one's status in life. Not to show off, merely to mark life's success. His background dictates this sentiments which I do not subscribe to. One of the things that we agree to disagree on. He would have been more pleased if it was Mercedes. Sorry Ayah, even if I could afford one I would not want to take the attention and risk...

My life has been quite hectic, I took the car, went for Friday prayers and drop by the house intending to show it to him. He was upstairs in his room, lying down reciting prayers. I excitedly told him about the car. He mumbled a few words and dismissed me. I left in a hurry thinking to myself, never mind, I'll take him for a ride later tonight. This never happens.

After midnight, mummy called saying that Ayah is not responding to her words. We rushed over, there he was still reciting his prayers and struggling with his life. His feet has gone cold. I knew then that his time was near but I did not dare say it to the rest. I went down, fixed the auto gate which somehow got stuck and call my partner. To confirm my feeling and to draw from his strength. Following his advise, we recited Yassin, to ease his struggle. It was during this time that I broke down, not for him but for me. It was at that instant, the thought struck me. No matter who you have or what you have, at that particular moment, it will just be you and yourself. Will I have the strength, will I have the patience, will I bear the pain ?

An hour or so later, he passed motion. We cleaned him, changed his sheets and lay him down again. The ambulance came at about four. I stayed home with the kids. After subuh prayers, the call came. Ayah is no more. I got into my practical mode. Mentally ticking lists of things to do and people to see. His remains arrive back home at about ten. We were lucky to get a plot in Bukit Kiara. There I was honoured to be one of those holding and carrying him into his final resting place.

I thank god for giving me 15 years with him. He was my confidant, someone whom I can talk to about anything. He replaced my biological father whom I was never close to. It has not been all rosy. We had our fights and disagreement, but we still had each other. One of the biggest argument ended with my wife and I being chased out of his house. Well, actually at the end of the argument he said - I think you better move out. I agreed and he promptly found a place and made the arrangements for us. Even then he took care of us, our kids, iron out clothes, wash our cars. He gave us his life.

Semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat and meletakkan dia dikalangan orang-orang yang soleh. Al-Fatihah.

Similar yet different

Know the common spud, I say peh-tae-toe you say poe-tah-to. Same thing with tomatoes. Similar yet different but remain as the same thing. Its how it is pronounced and listened to that creates a lot of confusion. The bane of all human issues. Especially between men and beings who came from Venus.

I kept being told not to expect people to be like me, that everyone is different. I know, I know its true yet it is so hard to accept. Just like an old friend who is a genius who became an oral examiner. Most cadets fail, why ? Because being smart he expects those cadets to be smart too. When they do not meet his perceived basic standards (which is way too high), they fail. He uses his standards not the industry standard. Why does he do that ? First because he is a genius, secondly because he is a responsible person. Committed to his job and wants the best for the industry. Which in turn became his failing because his methods disrupts the new entrant rates into the industry.

I digress, why am I babbling about this ? Well, I just came to realise that at this stage in my life I am able to and can afford to be forthright in voicing my opinions. Be it something mundane or matters of the heart. Therein lies the problem. Not everyone can do the same thus leaving me hanging and having to make assumptions.

Look, this is how I feel. Do you feel the same or am I just annoying you with my antics ? Are you merely tolerating me ?


We couldn't have gotten this far otherwise. Perhaps we express ourselves differently...or maybe your expectations is too high ?

What would you make of that ? I stay puzzled as dictated by the circumstances of these events. Why does this bother me so ? Because I have been on both end of the conversation. And one of those is certainly not pleasant. What I need is clear cut answers which does not seem to be forthcoming any time soon. See, I am not the type of person who can translate actions into expressions. I will just have to bear it I suppose, please god, give me patience...

For Bbugs

There comes a time when all I need is a sounding board to which I can unleash all my thoughts and empty my mind. A sounding board that just absorbs with nary a fear of it being used against me. For we sometimes do and think about unthinkable and unacceptable things. A shrink, psychiatrist or therapist fits the bill but will cost money on top of the fact that they do it as a job not a buddy.

I was lucky to have such a sounding board. Only catch is that its half a world away. Separated by time, distance and now changing lifestyle. There's so much I want to tell, to offload, to air the furthest corner of my mind. Just have to hold on a bit longer I suppose. Some might say, come on; speak to your wife, best friend, mommy or daddy. Yes, most things can be discussed with those close to you but some can never, ever be revealed unless you are ready to face some unexpected consequences. I learned that the hard way which reinforces the need for the sounding board.

Maybe circumstances will enjoin us again soon. In the mean time, this is for you. A little pristine white flower in the middle of harsh bushes doing nothing yet its presence soothes the soul.

From there to here

This photo was taken in 1984 if I am not mistaken. The year when I decided to leave Malaysia in pursue of a career travelling the world with a salary that has no limits - yeah right, great advertising by MISC. Originally there were 23 of us but only 18 completed the one year course and sailed as cadets. Now there are only a handful left at sea.

Maybe one of these days I'll run down a list. Would be interesting to dredge up the old memory and see where it leads.

Can you guess which is me ?

That is what I looked like more than two decades ago.

It has been good nonetheless.

Picture courtesy of Petra and his new Nikon D300 + Nikkor 18 - 135mm. I love the tone it produces, if only I have the time to use it....

Miss You Guys

Went over to a dear friend's blog this morning. It just crossed my mind, wondering whats going on in her life. That particular post of hers about a recent visit to Seremban made me really miss their company. They started out as my then girlfriend's chums. Back when I was still in tight jeans and many kilos less. As me and girlfriend's relationship worked out to marriage, they became my good friends too. Somehow as the years go by, we became constrained by time. Me constantly travelling, my wife jumping from job to job, kids growing up, family and relatives demanding attention. It robs us of the precious weekends that could be used to hang out with those guys.

I miss those times when all we would do is eat, watch TV, gossip, laze around and relax. At first I was saddened by the fact that we were not invited for this recent Seremban get together, but then reality kicks in. Even if we were, it would be nigh impossible to fulfill. I suppose after one too many decline, they might just as well let us be. Perhaps one day, when we get our time back, I'll make sure that my wife and I will hunt them down again. In the mean time, take care guys.

Gifts from Bunga Bindang

I was the Acting Third Officer on Bunga Bindang. There was such a thing as Acting Officers back then. This happens to cadets with more than a years sea time with recommendations from his Captains and Officers. Its a win win situation, the cadet got the experience of doing a real navigating officers job with an increase in his allowance and the company get an officer to helm its ship at a much cheaper cost. Acting Officers earn much less than a real Officer on board. With the advent of the STCW, ISM and the plethora of rules and regulations this is no longer possible. No such thing as acting officers or engineers any more. Now, the stack of certificates is mandatory.

Bunga Bindang is a small coastal ship with two Mac Gregor hatches equipped with its own derricks and a jumbo derrick amidships. It does the Penang, Port Klang, Singapore, Sandakan, Tawau and Lahat Datu route. A complete round turn will take about a month. This was my third and final ship before I go back to the academy for my Third and Second Mates courses, examinations and of course certificates to legitimise my "Acting" title.

On that particular night, we had just left Sandakan where for some reason or other, the Agent there took us for seafood dinner at a quaint restaurant on a cliff overlooking the sea. The food was fantastic and we gorged ourselves on prawns, squids, fishes and crabs. By the time we got back to the ship, its was time to cast away. Since I was on the 12 to 4 watch, sated with good food and tired from the days work, I fell fast asleep. I was woken by the ringing phone at a quarter to midnight for my watch. This was accompanied by a throbbing sensation on my right big toe which I ignored as I rushed to the bridge to take my duty.

As the watch goes on the throbbing pain became more intense. I thought I was bitten by an insect, a scorpion or god forbid a snake. These are some of the stowaways that we sometimes get. They hitched the ride with our cargo. The crates and cargo debris in the hold provided the ideal place for them to cross the oceans with us. I asked my Able Bodied Seamen (AB) to get a torchlight and give my toe and feet a thorough look over for any bite marks but found none. We then moved on to the theory that I might have somehow sprained my toe earlier in the day and perhaps some massage with ointment will be the cure. It just so happens that his relief, an Ordinary Seaman (OS) who have just joined us is known to poses such skills and item.

The OS is a "gerago", a guy of Portuguese descent from Malacca. Tony was his name if I am not mistaken. A man of about thirty, used to be a cook but decided to sail and has just recently taken up massage and foot reflexology. After handing over my watch to the Chief Officer, I asked to hijack Tony to see if he could help with my toe. Tony tried his best technique to manipulate and lessen the pain but the opposite happens. It was excruciating even though he insisted that the pressure applied was very low. After about twenty minutes, he concluded that a few sessions would be required. I concurred as it was the only option available aside from taking pain killers.

By the third session the next day, we had to stop as it has not just increase in pain but has also developed a sort of blue black tones on the toes and its vicinity. I had to use crutches and the Captain allowed me to sit in the pilot chair instead of standing for four hours. Back then, sitting during watch is taboo, mainly to avoid you getting too comfortable that you may fall asleep.

Once we reached Singapore a few days later, upon port clearance, I was rushed to a clinic. The doctor stopped me in mid sentence as I recounted my predicament. Definitely not stings, bites or sprain. You got gout, he says. Huh ? Urine was sampled and the test confirms that I have got gout. He counseled me and explained what it is. Basically a malfunction in my system which causes it unable to process and get rid of uric acid which is a by product of proteins that I consume. This excess acid will somehow collect in my toe where it forms tiny crystals. That is why at the peak it feels as if there's a thousand needles in there and a mere blow from an aircon vent is enough to make me scream in pain. The worst part was that there's no cure. I had to take daily medication and control my food. A long list of items to avoid was provided. Perhaps seeing the look of horror on my face, the doctor tells me that its just a guide. Whatever it is, take it in moderation.

I have tried alternate medication. From celery seeds to black cherries to vile herbal concoctions. It seem to work for a while, now I just take the zyloric. This accompanied with getting real sweat three times a week have ward away gout attacks for almost a decade. I do this as I do not control my food intake. In defence, life is short and I certainly can't survive on boiled veggies alone.

None in my family had gout, so it is not hereditary.The theory is that once I became a sailor, my diet changed drastically. Meat and chicken almost daily instead of fish. More rich foods instead of simple village greens. Eggs, sausages and beans for breakfast instead of leftover rice and salted fish. My system had a shock and was unable to respond to the change in time, the last straw provided by the Sandakan seafood. So, apart from allowing me to be an actor in my profession, Bunga Bindang gave me gout to mark my transition from a cadet to an officer.

This of course is not the end of it as gout leads to kidney stones which led to me being stark naked in broad daylight in front of a shocked Chinese lady.... but that's a story for another post.

Tragic Love.

Jay and Fay.

It was the mid-eighties. We were in Maritime Academy Malaysia or ALAM as it is popularly known. A training school for merchant seafarers. We were back in the Academy pursuing a certificate of competency after completing the prerequisite 2 years sea time as cadets on board merchant ships.

Jay came ashore with a broken heart, his fiancee returned his engagement ring whilst he was on board. Fay was a close friend to both Jay and his ex-fiancee. She came with consolation and offer of support in his time of grieve. One thing led to another and they became closer than friends. They were so in love that everything else fade into the background. As his roommate and a rather close friend, I was offered an intimate look at Jay as he floated on the wings of love. While others chided him, I just stood by and observed. Well, sometimes I joined in the fun too.

Jay was so in love that he sometimes does things that will seem stupid to me or I suppose any other normal person at the time. He willingly cycles to Masjid Tanah, a town about 10km away, at night, on an old borrowed bicycle just to make a phone call to his sweetheart. Why does he do that ? Because there is this one particular phone in Masjid Tanah where you put in 10 cents and can talk forever. We were poor you see, surviving on a RM120 JPA allowance, so all the cents counts. One night, after one of these lengthy calls, he came back, rummaged through his stack of letters and photos and start ripping it up while at the same time crying and banging his head on the wall. Knowing him, I just left him to it as I know that at the most he will bleed and that he will do no further damage than that. The next morning, at dawn actually, full of regrets at what he has done, I saw him struggling to paste the photos back together. It was both a tragic yet funny moment. And I asked him...

Apparently, last night Fay gave him the ultimate let down for any lover in the world - she just wants to be friends. What else can I say except just try to offer some supporting words. Such is a lovers tiff because, lo and behold, that very same day later in the evening he was beaming like the sun. Apparently, Fay had agreed to get back together. Hallelujah.

To cut the story short, they subsequently got married. During this time, Jay was so in love that he became afraid of her, even receiving a call will change his mood. I just love those moments especially if we were in the car and I spoke loudly of going to a club or other while he was on the phone with Fay. His face turns white, and I am not exaggerating. He bears with my antics because I am one of those that he turned to for financial assistance. We were sailors you see, once landed on leave, no more pay is coming in. Therein lies another observation, Jay will never talk, I mean really talk to Fay. To Fay, Jay is always well and money is never a problem when it is actually quite the opposite. Another sad fact is that after so many years of union they were yet to be blessed with a child.

After a long ten year wait, they finally got a child. It was also during this time that the marriage starts crumbling. Perhaps after letting himself endure the predicament that he created, Jay began looking elsewhere for comfort. Since he did not get through his foreign going certificate, he went the local trade route where he became acquainted with the Dangdut scene. Clubs based on the erotic thumping sounds of Indonesian music and girls with gyrating hips. So taken in was he that he ended up marrying one of the bar girls. Fay did not take it lightly, she went into a fit so far as to slash her wrist and hands when the issue was confronted with Jay. The break up was not pretty. It was also by this time that I no longer remain in their close circle.

It was sad seeing what began as such a bond built on love succumb to the human mistakes of not being able to talk and say what they truly mean. All on the pretext of protecting the other from the bad or sad situation that existed as the background. It was more so when the break up happens after a lengthy wait for a child. Poor child, she existed into this world only to be the victim of circumstances.

I think, no, hope that they have moved on from this episode and leads better lives. I learned to speak and listen and I hope they do too.