Watery bliss...

Read this somewhere -
There's a reason why good people suffer. They don't safeguard themselves against those whose nature is to harm and destroy. If you kiss a scorpion, it will sting you. If you hug a grizzly bear, it will crush you. If you offer to make friends with the alligator, it will eat you.

People are more difficult to recognize, yes. But they do give away their nature by their actions. Words can be decieving. We need to tune our judgement to what people "Do" and not what they "Say."

Words that are so true yet I just am not able to heed its wisdom. Personally, my weakness for grizzlies leads me to be continually at risk. Just like the sea, knowing its threat and danger does not deter from being near it, in it. Take it away, I will miss it.

Out of water...

Its not easy succumbing to defeat. Like fish out of water, realising and admitting that it will drown in air are two different emotions.

There comes a time when you are no longer required. Your presence becomes a burden, your offerings merely annoyances. To be acknowledged but not accepted. Perhaps.....

If you have ever lost anything, no matter how valuable it is to you, no matter how you thought that you could not go on without it. You will. It won't be pleasant but you will move on, if you let yourself out of that rut. Based on that, we had our chances which sometimes we did not see. Too late.

Status Update

Soon enough the title of this blog will need to be changed to turn 50. Time brings a lot of change. Quite a few have told me such. I have done things that I have never or do not like doing. A dear friend whom I always considered as an equivalent was assumed to be either my son or son-in-law. My appearance have changed, my outlook and my behavior have changed though some more subtle than others.

I am now more expressive of my feelings, needing more attention and reassurance to the point that my dear wife is overwhelmed, I think. Yet she continues humoring my whims and fancies. At the same time, old and new characters coming within the circle continues to pull me in various directions. I begin to understand that passion, love, longing and all matters of the heart tend to multiply if added. There are no subtraction nor division. It seems to just grow, however, juggling is another matter. A skill that requires development to a fine art.

Physically, I am more active and need to be constantly on the move. Be it cycling, swimming or running. A few days of sedentary inactivity will lead to lethargic and mood swings. It feels great when I stay in the lead to those half my age, but then my motivation was something that they did not have. They were moving on youth and energy, I was moving on something else.

All said and done, statistically I have about 17 years left. I intend to give all that I could, because only so much that I could take with me when I leave. To those around me, to those who knew me and could accept me as I am. Use these remaining years that you have with me. I was given 13 years with my dear father-in-law. A man that I miss. Now its my turn to give, unless if I go earlier.... I say this because I love all of you, something that in me is intense and passionate that sometimes it hurts.

And that's me, getting seasick on a recent diving expedition. The first time I posted a picture of myself in this blog. I used to hate looking at pictures of myself, not anymore... Another change ?

Hmmm... ponderings...

One of my recent favorite things, an orchestra of giant umbrellas. Transform. An amazing feat of engineering and technology linked to religion and spirituality. Alhamdulillah, I was blessed to have the opportunity to spend the first third of Ramadan in the holy land, the first day in Madinah and the rest in Mekah. The second half in Kuala Terengganu, a place which now seems to be for solitude, work and play. The final part was spent at home with my kids and family. Which led to a most unusual raya for me. That's another story.

As I sit here waiting for the next event to loom, my thoughts keep going back to recent events. Trying to recall and analyze. Time seems to have flown, it has actually....

The irony of it all. In the midst of many I feel alone and neglected. Not one but three yet none is here. Fancy being a loner yet suddenly can't stand being in solitude. That which should be sweet left a lingering bitterness. Do not question why, do not attempt understanding, just let be.

Am beginning to hate the notification sound from the SGSII because inevitably the message I was hoping for did not come in. Practicality and sensibility has gone. Patience morphed into anger and very soon sadness. There are just so much that can be done. Much more that can't, therein lies the poison in the arrow. Totally dislike not being in control. Dear God, renew my strength, patience and wisdom, please.

Sabar menanti...

Tetiba terasa biru (suddenly I am feeling blue... )

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