Out of water...

Its not easy succumbing to defeat. Like fish out of water, realising and admitting that it will drown in air are two different emotions.

There comes a time when you are no longer required. Your presence becomes a burden, your offerings merely annoyances. To be acknowledged but not accepted. Perhaps.....

If you have ever lost anything, no matter how valuable it is to you, no matter how you thought that you could not go on without it. You will. It won't be pleasant but you will move on, if you let yourself out of that rut. Based on that, we had our chances which sometimes we did not see. Too late.

Status Update

Soon enough the title of this blog will need to be changed to turn 50. Time brings a lot of change. Quite a few have told me such. I have done things that I have never or do not like doing. A dear friend whom I always considered as an equivalent was assumed to be either my son or son-in-law. My appearance have changed, my outlook and my behavior have changed though some more subtle than others.

I am now more expressive of my feelings, needing more attention and reassurance to the point that my dear wife is overwhelmed, I think. Yet she continues humoring my whims and fancies. At the same time, old and new characters coming within the circle continues to pull me in various directions. I begin to understand that passion, love, longing and all matters of the heart tend to multiply if added. There are no subtraction nor division. It seems to just grow, however, juggling is another matter. A skill that requires development to a fine art.

Physically, I am more active and need to be constantly on the move. Be it cycling, swimming or running. A few days of sedentary inactivity will lead to lethargic and mood swings. It feels great when I stay in the lead to those half my age, but then my motivation was something that they did not have. They were moving on youth and energy, I was moving on something else.

All said and done, statistically I have about 17 years left. I intend to give all that I could, because only so much that I could take with me when I leave. To those around me, to those who knew me and could accept me as I am. Use these remaining years that you have with me. I was given 13 years with my dear father-in-law. A man that I miss. Now its my turn to give, unless if I go earlier.... I say this because I love all of you, something that in me is intense and passionate that sometimes it hurts.

And that's me, getting seasick on a recent diving expedition. The first time I posted a picture of myself in this blog. I used to hate looking at pictures of myself, not anymore... Another change ?

Hmmm... ponderings...

One of my recent favorite things, an orchestra of giant umbrellas. Transform. An amazing feat of engineering and technology linked to religion and spirituality. Alhamdulillah, I was blessed to have the opportunity to spend the first third of Ramadan in the holy land, the first day in Madinah and the rest in Mekah. The second half in Kuala Terengganu, a place which now seems to be for solitude, work and play. The final part was spent at home with my kids and family. Which led to a most unusual raya for me. That's another story.

As I sit here waiting for the next event to loom, my thoughts keep going back to recent events. Trying to recall and analyze. Time seems to have flown, it has actually....

The irony of it all. In the midst of many I feel alone and neglected. Not one but three yet none is here. Fancy being a loner yet suddenly can't stand being in solitude. That which should be sweet left a lingering bitterness. Do not question why, do not attempt understanding, just let be.

Am beginning to hate the notification sound from the SGSII because inevitably the message I was hoping for did not come in. Practicality and sensibility has gone. Patience morphed into anger and very soon sadness. There are just so much that can be done. Much more that can't, therein lies the poison in the arrow. Totally dislike not being in control. Dear God, renew my strength, patience and wisdom, please.

Sabar menanti...

Tetiba terasa biru (suddenly I am feeling blue... )

Tak sabar rasanya untuk datang bertamu
Berteleku sujud memohon rahmatmu
Ingin mengadu dan merayu
Berkasih dan bermanja pada yang satu

Hanya kau yang tak pernah mengecewakan
Izinkan aku mengubat rindu
Hanya kau yang tak pernah menyakitkan
Izinkan aku melepas dendam

It never ends..

It never ends does it ? The journey of deja-vu. Feels like, no, I know that I have been here before. Was tripped by the pothole before, yet here I am going through it and getting tripped by the same pothole again.

I always thought that with every journey, lessons are learnt, experiences gained and then we were supposed to move on to new journeys and new experiences. Yet the cycle keep repeating itself. Is it supposed to be this way ?

There once was a man whose gift is of understanding, able to understand and able to see what others fail to see. At first it was a gift then it turned to a curse. Because though he could understand he could never be either or. His understanding and his sight refused to let him choose, leaving him alone on the fence, only able to see but not be...

Have you ever felt that your investment does not yield the desired return ? Do you pull out or stay and hope that the tide will change ? Getting tired of efforts that does not provide reciprocal results. Perhaps I am just a bad investor...

Gotta go and cycle now.... ;-)

Pagi suram

Ya Allah,
Dipagi yang suram ini
Tatkala bayu lembutmu menjatuhkan sekeping daun kering dibahu kananku
Tersentuh hati mengenang segala anugerahmu
Kesal rasa kerana tak cukup mensyukuri segala nikmatmu

Ampunkan aku Ya Allah kerana lalai dengan apa yang tidak ada
Asyik gundah memikirkan kekurangan dan ketidakcukupan
Sedang segala yang kau pinjamkan dan begitu banyak yang kau berikan
Apa dipinta semua kau kabulkan

Ampunkanlah aku Ya Allah
Ampunkanlah aku Ya Allah
Ampunkanlah aku Ya Allah

Before my eyes...

Scenes that greet me every morning. Am so thankful to be blessed.

On the trail

NT

You were a friend of mine...

Alan Parsons Project...

As far as my eyes can see

There are shadows approaching me

And to those I left behind

I wanted you to know

You’ve always shared my deepest thoughts

You follow where I go


And oh when I’m old and wise

Bitter words mean little to me

Autumn winds will blow right through me

And someday in the mist of time

When they asked me if I knew you

I’d smile and say you were a friend of mine

And the sadness would be lifted from my eyes

Oh when I’m old and wise....


Since yesterday when I heard the news from Blur who came back from half a world away, I am disturbed. The sadness and pain that I felt is incomparable to what Quzul is going through now. Multiple Sclerosis has taken away his faculties. Bed ridden and has just lost his sight. When I called him last night, he was asleep. His wife answered the phone and entertained my queries. God gave her strength.

This morning Quzul himself called me. His voice though week still bore traces of the mischievousness that we shared. I did not know what to say. How I wish I was by his side and could physically touch him. I am at loss for words. What comfort could I offer ? We learned to live together, we grew up and took different paths. Time and tide separated us as we followed our destiny. We heard about each other through the tongues of others.

I regretted not making the effort to seek him out all these years. But then, to all those who knew me, even if I did not call, text or write does not mean that I have let you go. I am merely letting you get on with your lives. I do not want to impose on you as our paths diverge. As long as I am still breathing, I will be here for you if and when you needed me.

Semoga Allah mempermudahkan dan memberi kekuatan dan ketenangan kepada Quzul dan keluarganya.

Doing the necessary...

Captured on a recent camping trip to Pulau Perhentian Besar. Soothes the soul to see the young abide to the needs of their soul. Am proud to claim them as my kids...

Spinning...

NT - when you say too much ...

ZX1 Dramatic Tones

NT

Bowling

It has been so long and it shows.... ha ha ha.

First time...

Two faceplant, the first due to overconfidence and the second due to technical incompetence. Am still nursing sore ribs, but will do it again ;)