Al-Fatihah for Tok Cu Deraman

It was some time last week that I received the news on the passing of Tok Cu Deraman, a dear gramps on my mother's side. A close cousin to my gramma and an opposite to my grampa. Grampa was stern, he was gentle. I miss them all.

He was a practitioner of traditional medicine specialising in treating stones. Kidney stones, gall stones etc. removed using watermelons, rock sugar and incantations. He passed the knowledge on to me a few years back. I just took it in passing, to appease him. Perhaps one of these days I shall put it to practice.

May Allah bless him. Al-Fatihah.

FE not ED

Failure to ejaculate not erectile dysfunction. Scary male topic.

FE may seem to be ideal at first glance as opposed to PE - premature ejaculation, however continued occurrence may lead to frustrations and depression on the male. FE may be brought about by stress, food and most likely the intake of wrong mix of supplements and medications. Most likely to be experienced by males over 40 or those that think that they are coming down from the peak.

The cure may include corrective diets, stress relieve and therapy.

Why am I posting about this ? Been there done that. Am just trying to say that it may seem to be the end of the world while you were in the thick of it (it really is), but its not. Take care guys.

The Stones in Me

It was a few days after Aidil Fitri, the Muslim celebration after a month of fasting in Ramadhan. I woke up with an intense urge for the loo. Rushed in, got in position expecting relief but nothing happens. The pain nags, I push, nothing comes out, neither liquid nor solid. Sweat starts beading, cold sweat in the cool morning air. After some time, I gave up. Maybe the heavy, spicy, oily food yesterday is really screwing up my system. Get out and on reflex doubled up on the sofa. The pain is excruciating. Never had I chanted the name of Allah before in begging for mercy to be relieved of the pain that now felt as if its encircling my lower abdomen. Truthfully, chanting his name did bring some relief, lessening the stabbing pain. The wife and kids looked scared. I am unable to offer comfort as I am consumed in the pain.

A few minutes later, my brother in law arrive and took me to the emergency entrance of SJMC. The doctor attending to me at a glance knew what it was all about. He did not say anything though, most likely because he is a foreigner and me dressed in an old sarong and what used to be a white pagoda night shirt looked like someone who could not communicate in English. He did not bother and just gave me a magical injection that almost immediately took the pain away. A nurse then came and told my wife to have me registered and proceed to the clinic for a proper check up. The registration counter in as nice a manner as possible quoted RM4,000 deposit without which I will just have to pay for the jab that I have just received and would have to look for treatment elsewhere. We had all three kids there, all on my company GL and there I was being treated like unwanted trade. In all probability, it was because both of us really looked shabby and poor on that particular morning.

Manage to get things sorted out with the registration counter finally beaming a most wonderful smile after a GL is faxed from my office. Luckily the person responsible was in the office to do the necessary.

Went to the Clinic, was subsequently scanned and confirmed with stones in my kidney or was it in my bladder, anyway, its there and it needs to be removed. There are three options. One, have a tube inserted in my urinary tract. Two, have a minor incision on my back and a scope inserted or three blast the stones using sound waves. The doctor (who smelled heavily of cigarette smoke – reminding me that I haven't had my fix of the day yet) recommended option three. I was elated as I can't bear the thought of a tube going into me or being cut up no matter how small the incision will be. After all, how bad or painful can sound waves be, right ? Wrong, its not the sound itself but what it does that will be excruciating.

A nurse came to wheel me to the day ward while waiting for the procedure. After some time another nurse came, gave me a bunch of pills and told me to get into hospital gown. You know, the ridiculous ones that have strings at the back. She told me to take off everything, even dentures if I am wearing one.

"Everything ?".

" Yes, everything".

So, there I was buck naked underneath a flimsy gown with strings in the back and cold breeze blowing up my behind. Not a pretty situation nor sight that made.

Yet another nurse came and wheeled me to the operating room. Being fully conscious, I was amazed on entering the room as there's only one doctor and a young nurse who greeted me. The room looked more like part of a space ship to me. Screens and machines everywhere with a huge circular metal tub taking center stage. The nurse pulled away my blanket and asked me to take off my gown. As I was lying on my back, I sat up, untied the gown and just pull it off.

She gasped, "Mr. Noor, why are you naked ?"

At that point all my shrivelled bits just shrivelled further.

"But the nurse told me to take off everything."

"Well, never mind." She says and promptly throws a small towel over my midriff. The doctor was giggling in front of his monitor.

Here's a tip, if you have to do this keep your underwear on, make sure its clean and if possible new. For actual operations where they need to cut you up, take off everything. For this, no.

The nudity out of the way, she starts manipulating a harness that is attached to a hook which in turn is connected and forms part of a network of rails fixed to the ceiling. Its not a harness actually, more a skeletal seat. I was made to sit on it, with the towel covering my front and my bum open to the cold air again. The seat has metal strips with support for my head, shoulder, lower back, thighs, heel and feet. The rest is open to the elements. I was then secured with belts at all support points. It did cross my mind, hmmm sort of kinky. Naked, on a harness, being tied down...

Once that is done, the nurse again manipulated her remote control. The machines starts humming and purring and I began to rise and move towards the metal tub.

"The water is a bit warm, we will lower you slowly, tell us if its too hot."

That is just what they did. Ahhhhh, so nice to feel the warm water cover and protect me from the cold air in the room. Once I was properly positioned in the center of the tub with only my head above water, the nurse came, pulled the towel away and sticks those electrode wire thingies on me.

"OK, Mr. Noor, we will start soon, tell us if it gets too uncomfortable."

Without warning, the machine purrs again and suddenly two huge cylinders with diameters as big as a small scooter wheel came towards me and positioned itself on my sides. I swear that Star Trek came to mind – resistance is futile - no more kinkiness, just trapped in the machine. Once that is done I start hearing soft pinging noises not unlike the sounds of sonars in a submarine. The ones that I saw in the movies sounded like that anyway. As the ping grew louder, my skin starts tingling which progresses to feel like its being continuously pinched in rhythm with the pinging sound.

"OK, Mr. Noor, brace yourself."

Brace myself for what ? Its all a sort of pleasant sensation so far, warm bath, relaxing rhythm massaging my skin, imagination running wild...

As soon as this thought crossed my mind, the frequency of the sound intensifies and suddenly my body was jolted out of the harness at such a force that the restraining belt bit into my skin. But deep inside of me another pain is burning my senses. The sound has just blasted and exploded one of the stones that was inside my kidney/bladder.

The nurse came, gave me a jab, tighten my belts and say "OK, relax Mr. Noor."

And the machine again starts purring and humming trying to locate the next target. Once a stone is blasted, it broke into smaller pieces, the machine then targets these fragment to blast it into yet smaller and smaller pieces until it is of a size that can pass through when I urinate. Every time this happens, I will be jolted no matter how hard I try to anticipate and prepare for it, my vital signs go off the charts and the nurse will give me a jab which numbs the pain. This continue for about two hours. By the time I was off the tub, I was like a vegetable, unable to control any movement or even to move. All I remembered was that I was taken off the harness like a rag doll. Nudity, kinkiness, space adventures all gone. I was put back in the ward and left to rest for a couple hours.

Once I came to, I was given a drink and told to go to the toilet when I am ready. I did so with a nurse coming into the cubicle with me. Modesty prevails and I told her to wait outside. Another shocker, no wonder the nurse wanted to be there, the first shot of urine that hits the pristine white hospital toilet bowl shook me up that I nearly collapsed at its sight.

Not yellowish orange liquid that I was subconsciously expecting, instead it was dark red blood with blackish brown fragments of the stones splattering the white toilet bowl accompanied by bits and pieces of my tissues and flesh that was carved by the blasting. No pain though, just a shocking sight. I held on to the walls to keep from collapsing.

A week later, I had to do it again as the first round did not totally clear all the stones, thinking that I have been through it before, I was prepared. Boy, was I wrong, the second time was worst. Perhaps the wounds from the earlier blasting had not yet healed. The pain was doubled, at least. The cost ? About RM4,500 for the first blast with a 30% or is it 40% discount for the second one as it was done immediately after the first.

Once you had the stones, it will come back approximately every four years. In my case, this holds true and last year when it came, I decided to try a different solution. It worked. No pain, low cost, but that's another story.

Gifts from Bunga Bindang

I was the Acting Third Officer on Bunga Bindang. There was such a thing as Acting Officers back then. This happens to cadets with more than a years sea time with recommendations from his Captains and Officers. Its a win win situation, the cadet got the experience of doing a real navigating officers job with an increase in his allowance and the company get an officer to helm its ship at a much cheaper cost. Acting Officers earn much less than a real Officer on board. With the advent of the STCW, ISM and the plethora of rules and regulations this is no longer possible. No such thing as acting officers or engineers any more. Now, the stack of certificates is mandatory.

Bunga Bindang is a small coastal ship with two Mac Gregor hatches equipped with its own derricks and a jumbo derrick amidships. It does the Penang, Port Klang, Singapore, Sandakan, Tawau and Lahat Datu route. A complete round turn will take about a month. This was my third and final ship before I go back to the academy for my Third and Second Mates courses, examinations and of course certificates to legitimise my "Acting" title.

On that particular night, we had just left Sandakan where for some reason or other, the Agent there took us for seafood dinner at a quaint restaurant on a cliff overlooking the sea. The food was fantastic and we gorged ourselves on prawns, squids, fishes and crabs. By the time we got back to the ship, its was time to cast away. Since I was on the 12 to 4 watch, sated with good food and tired from the days work, I fell fast asleep. I was woken by the ringing phone at a quarter to midnight for my watch. This was accompanied by a throbbing sensation on my right big toe which I ignored as I rushed to the bridge to take my duty.

As the watch goes on the throbbing pain became more intense. I thought I was bitten by an insect, a scorpion or god forbid a snake. These are some of the stowaways that we sometimes get. They hitched the ride with our cargo. The crates and cargo debris in the hold provided the ideal place for them to cross the oceans with us. I asked my Able Bodied Seamen (AB) to get a torchlight and give my toe and feet a thorough look over for any bite marks but found none. We then moved on to the theory that I might have somehow sprained my toe earlier in the day and perhaps some massage with ointment will be the cure. It just so happens that his relief, an Ordinary Seaman (OS) who have just joined us is known to poses such skills and item.

The OS is a "gerago", a guy of Portuguese descent from Malacca. Tony was his name if I am not mistaken. A man of about thirty, used to be a cook but decided to sail and has just recently taken up massage and foot reflexology. After handing over my watch to the Chief Officer, I asked to hijack Tony to see if he could help with my toe. Tony tried his best technique to manipulate and lessen the pain but the opposite happens. It was excruciating even though he insisted that the pressure applied was very low. After about twenty minutes, he concluded that a few sessions would be required. I concurred as it was the only option available aside from taking pain killers.

By the third session the next day, we had to stop as it has not just increase in pain but has also developed a sort of blue black tones on the toes and its vicinity. I had to use crutches and the Captain allowed me to sit in the pilot chair instead of standing for four hours. Back then, sitting during watch is taboo, mainly to avoid you getting too comfortable that you may fall asleep.

Once we reached Singapore a few days later, upon port clearance, I was rushed to a clinic. The doctor stopped me in mid sentence as I recounted my predicament. Definitely not stings, bites or sprain. You got gout, he says. Huh ? Urine was sampled and the test confirms that I have got gout. He counseled me and explained what it is. Basically a malfunction in my system which causes it unable to process and get rid of uric acid which is a by product of proteins that I consume. This excess acid will somehow collect in my toe where it forms tiny crystals. That is why at the peak it feels as if there's a thousand needles in there and a mere blow from an aircon vent is enough to make me scream in pain. The worst part was that there's no cure. I had to take daily medication and control my food. A long list of items to avoid was provided. Perhaps seeing the look of horror on my face, the doctor tells me that its just a guide. Whatever it is, take it in moderation.

I have tried alternate medication. From celery seeds to black cherries to vile herbal concoctions. It seem to work for a while, now I just take the zyloric. This accompanied with getting real sweat three times a week have ward away gout attacks for almost a decade. I do this as I do not control my food intake. In defence, life is short and I certainly can't survive on boiled veggies alone.

None in my family had gout, so it is not hereditary.The theory is that once I became a sailor, my diet changed drastically. Meat and chicken almost daily instead of fish. More rich foods instead of simple village greens. Eggs, sausages and beans for breakfast instead of leftover rice and salted fish. My system had a shock and was unable to respond to the change in time, the last straw provided by the Sandakan seafood. So, apart from allowing me to be an actor in my profession, Bunga Bindang gave me gout to mark my transition from a cadet to an officer.

This of course is not the end of it as gout leads to kidney stones which led to me being stark naked in broad daylight in front of a shocked Chinese lady.... but that's a story for another post.