Solitude

Solitude and tranquility....

Found and Lost

Seven days has passed since Ayah (my father in law) is gone. There has been quite a few tribute for him over the net by cousins and relatives. Aji's has been the most touching - its the only one I manage to read anyway. His writing in part inspired me to write about my perspective, my story with Ayah.

For me his journey began on Friday right after Friday prayers. It was the day I took delivery of a new toy that I have been wanting since I was a kid. A convertible, black with red leather trim. He is the only person who knew that the car was coming and has been anxiously waiting to feel and touch the car. He is blind, yet his love for cars never wanes. To him a car is not just a mode of transport but also a means to affirm one's status in life. Not to show off, merely to mark life's success. His background dictates this sentiments which I do not subscribe to. One of the things that we agree to disagree on. He would have been more pleased if it was Mercedes. Sorry Ayah, even if I could afford one I would not want to take the attention and risk...

My life has been quite hectic, I took the car, went for Friday prayers and drop by the house intending to show it to him. He was upstairs in his room, lying down reciting prayers. I excitedly told him about the car. He mumbled a few words and dismissed me. I left in a hurry thinking to myself, never mind, I'll take him for a ride later tonight. This never happens.

After midnight, mummy called saying that Ayah is not responding to her words. We rushed over, there he was still reciting his prayers and struggling with his life. His feet has gone cold. I knew then that his time was near but I did not dare say it to the rest. I went down, fixed the auto gate which somehow got stuck and call my partner. To confirm my feeling and to draw from his strength. Following his advise, we recited Yassin, to ease his struggle. It was during this time that I broke down, not for him but for me. It was at that instant, the thought struck me. No matter who you have or what you have, at that particular moment, it will just be you and yourself. Will I have the strength, will I have the patience, will I bear the pain ?

An hour or so later, he passed motion. We cleaned him, changed his sheets and lay him down again. The ambulance came at about four. I stayed home with the kids. After subuh prayers, the call came. Ayah is no more. I got into my practical mode. Mentally ticking lists of things to do and people to see. His remains arrive back home at about ten. We were lucky to get a plot in Bukit Kiara. There I was honoured to be one of those holding and carrying him into his final resting place.

I thank god for giving me 15 years with him. He was my confidant, someone whom I can talk to about anything. He replaced my biological father whom I was never close to. It has not been all rosy. We had our fights and disagreement, but we still had each other. One of the biggest argument ended with my wife and I being chased out of his house. Well, actually at the end of the argument he said - I think you better move out. I agreed and he promptly found a place and made the arrangements for us. Even then he took care of us, our kids, iron out clothes, wash our cars. He gave us his life.

Semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat and meletakkan dia dikalangan orang-orang yang soleh. Al-Fatihah.

Pleasant amazament...

An amazing thing happened this morning. I was kissed. By an elder in my mosque. For no apparent reason. The sort of kiss that I receive only from my mom. What's amazing is that it was totally unexpected yet left a pleasant feeling just like mom's.

The thing is we hardly knew each other. My attendance at the mosque is sporadic at best and almost always only for the early morning prayers. As far as I can recall, he is the only one who, as he walks in will stop and shake hands with those in his path. I will be the last as I normally pick a place near an entrance. He will shake my hands, we smile at each other and take our places. Once prayers done I have to immediately leave, so there never was an opportunity to socialise.

Outside of the mosque, I talked to him once because he wanted to know about some shipping matters. Otherwise it was just a wave and smile acquaintance. So, it was to me a very pleasant amazement...

If you could turn back time...

A local radio station was interacting with their listeners on the topic. As I drove to work, the question kept me thinking, what would I do if I could turn back time ? Callers keep telling about things they would do differently, relationships they would nurture and mishaps they would avoid.

What would I do ? It just struck me that at this juncture, I would not change a thing. I have gone through a lot of pain, elation, frustration and joy. I have been slighted, hurt and have slight and hurt others too. God knows, those around me knows how my straight forwardness would sometimes strike like a blade through the softest point of the heart. In my defense, those were not put forth with malice. I am just being me and that means being practical to a fault. Come on, life is short, stop beating around the bush and get to the point. See.

That said, I feel that everything that happens, happened for a purpose. If it doesn't break you, it will make you stronger. Then again, perhaps I am of this opinion as I have just survived one of my regular tribulation. Getting out of that predicament was a harrowing experience. Yet as any predicaments, and there has been a lot, it humbles me and made me realise that no one is invincible nor are they immune to consequences.

The key, I think, is to learn to be thankful for what you have instead of pining for what could have been yours. Forget the "what ifs" and focus on the "now" instead...

Acceptance

There's only so much you can say or do to influence an event, a person or a situation. What most people fail to realise is the fact that once they have said or done to the best of their ability or know how, it is time to just sit back and let it roll. Accept whatever is the outcome, rejoice if its what you envisioned it to be or learn from it if it is not. This is acceptance.

Why ? Well, at this stage of my life, acceptance comes easier and I find it refreshing. Similarly, you can only care so much, love so much, after a point we all need to move on. In the end game its only you and god after all. I have also learned that the more you rely on people the more susceptible you are to being disappointed, to being hurt. You need to learn to look out for yourself. There will come a time when its just you and yourself. When everyone else is busy, when events seems to have exclude you, when time moves without you. And that will be the point when you need your own company.

Just don't go crazy over it OK.