Saturday, April 19, 2008

Found and Lost

Seven days has passed since Ayah (my father in law) is gone. There has been quite a few tribute for him over the net by cousins and relatives. Aji's has been the most touching - its the only one I manage to read anyway. His writing in part inspired me to write about my perspective, my story with Ayah.

For me his journey began on Friday right after Friday prayers. It was the day I took delivery of a new toy that I have been wanting since I was a kid. A convertible, black with red leather trim. He is the only person who knew that the car was coming and has been anxiously waiting to feel and touch the car. He is blind, yet his love for cars never wanes. To him a car is not just a mode of transport but also a means to affirm one's status in life. Not to show off, merely to mark life's success. His background dictates this sentiments which I do not subscribe to. One of the things that we agree to disagree on. He would have been more pleased if it was Mercedes. Sorry Ayah, even if I could afford one I would not want to take the attention and risk...

My life has been quite hectic, I took the car, went for Friday prayers and drop by the house intending to show it to him. He was upstairs in his room, lying down reciting prayers. I excitedly told him about the car. He mumbled a few words and dismissed me. I left in a hurry thinking to myself, never mind, I'll take him for a ride later tonight. This never happens.

After midnight, mummy called saying that Ayah is not responding to her words. We rushed over, there he was still reciting his prayers and struggling with his life. His feet has gone cold. I knew then that his time was near but I did not dare say it to the rest. I went down, fixed the auto gate which somehow got stuck and call my partner. To confirm my feeling and to draw from his strength. Following his advise, we recited Yassin, to ease his struggle. It was during this time that I broke down, not for him but for me. It was at that instant, the thought struck me. No matter who you have or what you have, at that particular moment, it will just be you and yourself. Will I have the strength, will I have the patience, will I bear the pain ?

An hour or so later, he passed motion. We cleaned him, changed his sheets and lay him down again. The ambulance came at about four. I stayed home with the kids. After subuh prayers, the call came. Ayah is no more. I got into my practical mode. Mentally ticking lists of things to do and people to see. His remains arrive back home at about ten. We were lucky to get a plot in Bukit Kiara. There I was honoured to be one of those holding and carrying him into his final resting place.

I thank god for giving me 15 years with him. He was my confidant, someone whom I can talk to about anything. He replaced my biological father whom I was never close to. It has not been all rosy. We had our fights and disagreement, but we still had each other. One of the biggest argument ended with my wife and I being chased out of his house. Well, actually at the end of the argument he said - I think you better move out. I agreed and he promptly found a place and made the arrangements for us. Even then he took care of us, our kids, iron out clothes, wash our cars. He gave us his life.

Semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat and meletakkan dia dikalangan orang-orang yang soleh. Al-Fatihah.


Fauzi said...

Takziah Kapten. Alfatihah! May Allah bless his soul and rest in peace.

Pak Idrus said...

fauzi, condolence. Actually we really never knows our father well. Sure you know the man whether the biological one or not, it is still known as father. You may address him as Abah, Ayah or whatever and when he is around you just know him as a good person but it is only when he is no longer with you that you began to reflect of the past and try to remember in every detail what that Man was.

Fauzi in due times you would know what I am talking about and I am sure you would know more about your father from now onward. That great Man would be always in your memory.

Have a nice day and take care.

Anonymous said...

Salam brother,
My condolences and Al-fatihah. You have memories to cherish. Sometimes, I think, we are luckier becoz we get to "stay" with them longer than other people, just think of children who loose one or both parents early in life. I was about 40yrs old when my father passed on, today almost 12 yrs goneby, I still think of him every day and each time there will be tears. Its that way, fathers dont die, they live on. I see distinctive habits in my children, they way they talk, so much like the oldman and I thank God, I am reminded, his advice, his humour. My children, in turn, tell me that I am becoming more like him, the way I walk, I squint when I adjust the remote for the tv, etc, etc. Keep those memories alive and you will find comfort, from day to day. Take care and Allah give you strength to face the coming days.
Aunty Yeh

Pi Bani said...

Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un. Takziah to you and your family. Semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke atas rohnya.

Apandi said...


Capt Ramli Disa said...

Assalamualaikum, Captain.

Banyak bersabar ok.

Captain masih lagi dengan MIMA ke?

Dok buat research pasal apa?

Saya sekarang ni dengan Petronas Maritime.


Chahya said...

Sorry to hear abt yr loss.
Semoga rohnya dicucuri rahmat.

Capt. Azam Ismail said...

Assalamualaikum Capt,


Every generation
Blames the one before
And all of their frustrations
Come beating on your door

I know that Im a prisoner
To all my father held so dear
I know that Im a hostage
To all his hopes and fears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Crumpled bits of paper
Filled with imperfect thought
Stilted conversations
Im afraid thats all weve got

You say you just dont see it
He says its perfect sense
You just cant get agreement
In this present tense
We all talk a different language
Talking in defence

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
Its too late when we die
To admit we dont see eye to eye

So we open up a quarrel
Between the present and the past
We only sacrifice the future
Its the bitterness that lasts

So dont yield to the fortunes
You sometimes see as fate
It may have a new perspective
On a different day
And if you dont give up, and dont give in
You may just be o.k.

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
Its too late when we die
To admit we dont see eye to eye

I wasnt there that morning
When my father passed away
I didnt get to tell him
All the things I had to say

I think I caught his spirit
Later that same year
Im sure I heard his echo
In my babys new born tears
I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Say it loud, say it clear
You can listen as well as you hear
Its too late when we die
To admit we dont see eye to eye

Mike and The Mechanics