Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Trust ?


Dev is a typical nerdy mama’s boy. A chubby man with rosy cheeks, medium built with all the common characteristic of an Englishman approaching middle age. He is an Electrical Engineer on board our ship and is very excited as we approached port for he is going to be signed off. It was not so much the signing off that put him in that state but the prospect of what he is going to do once he reaches his home. His excitement had a twofold effect on us, one of elation as his joy was so intense that it rubbed onto us, second of envy as we were staying behind and he is going home.

Once he got home, Dev is going to get married. Compiling the conversations that we had, Dev never had a steady girl friend of more than a shore leaves worth. Whatever girl he met and tried to build a relationship with only lasted for as long as he was on leave. Once his leave ends and he goes back on board the relationship will inadvertently ends. Either the girl has met someone else or the more common excuse, her family and friends advised her not to pursue the relationship as Dev is always away at sea and to lessen the blow these news always ended up with - lets remain friends.

This time it’s going to be different as Dev started this relationship while he was still on board. It was a girl his mother had selected for him to befriend. Their communications through letters and telephone calls was so promising that they had agreed to venture forth into marriage the moment Dev reaches home. According to Dev, the girl had taken to sleeping over at his house to keep her mother company and that both of them had gotten on well, which just sweetens the deal.

We wished him luck.

A year and a half later, I met Dev again on another ship. He is still the Electrical Engineer and he has been on board for more than 4 months, which is the usual contract term for an LNG ship. He didn’t mind serving beyond the term which is a bit puzzling as all of us would rather serve below not beyond any contract term. It was then that I got to know that his marriage is nothing but a bad memory that he wants to forget. It transpired that everything went well until he returned home from the previous ship that he was on.

His wife had left him taking with her all the contents of their flat and wiping his accounts clean. He regretted this the most, as immediately after marriage he transferred the control of his accounts from his mother to his wife. Back then he thought he was doing the right thing, removing the burden of monitoring and paying his bills from his mother at the same time proving to his wife that he loved and trusted her enough to give her total control of his finances.

Some of us saluted him for loving and trusting someone enough to do such thing while some thought he was being stupid and just asked for trouble.

His predicament made us ponder our own relationships, how far should we trust a person, be it our spouse, partner or best friend. Do we dare take the risk ? Should we take the risk ?

But then a wise voice quipped, if you can’t trust your wife whom you promised to share life and death with, who else can you trust ? And if it turns out that she does a "Dev" on you, then it’s just your bad karma. Perhaps he is right for otherwise you will have to keep doubting which will not lead to a healthy nor happy union.

10 comments:

ruby ahmad said...

Hi Apandi,

Oh so sorry to hear about Dev. He must be quite (read:totallly) wrecked and heartbroken. I too wonder why people do that. Why they are so materially driven. Even if the relationship does not work out, why wipe out the poor partner clean.

Sometimes, people forget, 'what goes around comes around'. People forget 'Life has a funny way of being fair'. Most of all, poor Dev's mum.

That's why, I like people who are spontaneous. Don't buy all these goody-two-shoes put-ons. I read from my gut now (sometimes I win and sometimes not) Sigh! Thanks for sharing this story.

ruby ahmad said...

Oh Apandi, I forgot the last bit, as for should one trust your spouse? I am totally in agreement with your take. Just do it. Better to know earlier than later.

Apandi said...

Personally, I am wary of those overly kind and polite types, you know, pijak semut pun tak mati, always with a forced smile...

Yes, trust but, keep at least one back up plan, just in case...

Raden Galoh said...

Some people bro...some people...they are just as manipulative as they can be and surely an opportunist too... I guess Dev met an opportunist who waited for the the moment to be manipulative...

It's the risk of the married life. That who ever is daring enuf to take it would venture the risk and whoever is not prefers to have the 'doubt' thought and feeling for the other half...But as you said, it's very unhealthy...

Some people just forget or insensitive enough to meaning of trust and betraying the trust has no impact to their soul I guess...

Mat Salo said...

Sad story Cap, happens all the time. We take the plunge, with good intentions, but as mortals, we can only hope for the best.. For me, I spent a long time looking, Insya'Allah, I hope the jodoh goes far. Because Cap, I jumped with both feet in.. Therefore no back-up plan.. which is how I wanted it. My spouse knew what a dirty rotten scoundrel I was (perhap still am?) when she met me - so I owe hell of a lot to her for keeping me firmly grounded. I bear no pretensions of being a Goody-2-kasut Cap.. But aah, you know me, so do my closest friends. Salaam.

J.T. said...

I'm back.. tried commenting earlier but Google server had an error. Not sure if it went through. (If you have an earlier comment of mine, please delete that. Thanks!)

I feel so bad for Dev. Total devastation of the heart and soul.I have a relative who was married to a materially-driven lady. He was flying out of the country a lot. I do not know if she did it out of frustration of not having him around or she was just plain mean. She max-ed every credit card he had. Everytime he made a payment, she spent more. He had no chance to regain financial stability. Then she bugged him about taking over his parent's home. It was one thing after another. I don't think he knew what he was getting into. She was very sweet during their courtship.
Every relationship has a risk. We either trust that person or we don't. I agree with you, "Yes, trust but keep at least one back up plan, just in case..."

I cannot understand some people sometimes. How do they do that to someone? Don't they know it can come back to bite them someday? As Ruby said, "what goes around, comes around"

Apandi said...

Yes you are all right. Its just that sometimes in life, you are dealt with a bad card. Those bad cards are usually the insecure or psychologically deficient or came from bad circumstances. Its just sad.

david santos said...

Please, it puts fhoto of Madeleine in your Bloggue

Missing Madeleine!
Madeleine, MeCann was abduted from Praia da Luz, Portugal on 03/03/07.

If you have any information, please contact Crimestoppers on
0800 555 111

Please Help

lady macleod said...

A sad story indeed about Dev, but well done on him for taking the chance. Let's hope he tries again someday with more success.

Always a back up plan!

Apandi said...

LM, yes and yes.